


One last dance

by JotunVali



Series: Old married Spones [4]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Canon Related, Canonical Character Death, Comfort/Angst, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Post-Canon, Slow Dancing, Vulcan Mind Melds, implied mcspirk, implied polyamory, implied threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25272163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JotunVali/pseuds/JotunVali
Summary: After 140 years of living, Dr McCoy is dying. But he's not bitter or lonely. His favorite Vulcan Science Officer, well Ambassador now, is here with him. He couldn't dream of a better death. And as if it wasn't dreamy enough, Spock gives him a final mind-meld, as a departure gift. The most wonderful Bones could ever get.
Relationships: Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock
Series: Old married Spones [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1937425
Comments: 2
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter 1

140 years.

That had been one hell of a long life.

Especially for someone who’d always thought he would die an early age. And in pain.

But neither of these happened. 

Thanks to a handful of devoted people, especially two men as stubborn and selfless as him, maybe more than him. More than Dr Bones McCoy.

Take Jim, for example. As Bones had always suspected, Jim had died on duty, saving the hundred of lives of the Enterprise B. It’s been such a long time now but Leonard still remembered it as if he’d heard the news yesterday. Jim somehow had asked for it but it still hurt. But Bones didn’t have the right to complain about the matter. Jim’s death probably,  _ certainly  _ hurt a thousand times more the old Vulcan who was holding the older doctor in his rather strong arms. Maybe Spock technically was older than him and just  _ looked  _ younger, Bones wasn’t sure. Vulcans lived longer and were more enduring than Humans after all. 

“Well, seems it’s the end of the voyage for me, Spock.” He murmured.

“Doctor, obviously you didn’t comprehend my recurrent observation that humans are generally dead at your age was a mere witticism.” Spock’s voice clearly sounded like he was attempting -again!- to repress his emotions and feeling of helplessness.

Bones faintly shook his pearl white-haired head.

“I know.” He asserted, squinting his disbelieving eyes. “Do you really think I’ve taken that personally? That I’ve ever taken seriously  _ any  _ of your sophisticated mockery? I thought you knew your friend better than that. Especially after our dozen mind-melds or after your katra roamed in my brain for weeks!  _ Now _ , I feel offended.” He pretended to sulk.

“I do not… wish we part on ill terms, doctor.” Spock admitted (pleaded?).

“One of your last taunts, Spock?” McCoy arched a dubitative eyebrow. The pun was good, though.

“I assure you it wasn’t intention-”

“Just kidding, old goblin!” The doctor beamed. “Neither would I leave you with a pouty face!” 

Despite forthcoming death, his smile was radiant and bright. Or so thought the Vulcan Ambassador.

“To be fair with you, Spock, I always thought your… sassy quips were clever and… quite rousing.” McCoy mumbled the end of his phrase.

“Rousing, doctor? Do you mean they stirred up your anger and induced you to retaliate?”

Bones made all the efforts he could not to sigh out of disappointment too loudly. There was no point in lying to himself or to Spock now.

“Rousing, like in  _ sexually  _ arousing, dumbo.” He grumbled.

“Are you implying my ears remind you of those of a fictional eleph-? Oh. I see.” Spock understood at last.

Despite all the countless decades knowing Spock, saving each other’s skin, sometimes living together, sleeping together, sometimes having his damn soul stuck in his head, that blasted Vulcan still wasn’t aware of Bones’ feelings for him? No. No, Spock was driving him up the wall again. Like he had always loved to! There had no other explanation.

“Really, Spock? You’re pulling my leg, is that it? Like you’ve always loved to.”

“I’m not.” Spock shook his head. “I am holding your upper body in my arms. I am in no manner touching your legs.”

Bones couldn’t help chuckling. It just was too adorable.

“I meant… you  _ know  _ what I’m talking about. You just…  _ can’t  _ not know it.” He stammered in mild embarrassment before he slowly raised up a trembling arm, tried to stroke his friend’s cheek but only managed to brush his jawline with the tip of his thin fingers. In a swift, perfect reflex, Spock caught up his tumbling hand. The Ambassador’s hand squeezing around the doctor’s was strong, firm yet soft and pleasantly warm. Bones smiled and stared in Spock’s eyes as a response.

Although dying, the doctor’s…  _ Leonard’s  _ eyes were gleaming with a mysterious spark. He looked happy. 

“Still have good reflexes I see…” The retired doctor commented.

“As you are, even after a century, still a hopelessly emotional man, doctor.” Spock replied before doing something Bones didn’t expect and had never expected from his lifelong stoic friend. Instead of letting go of the doctor’s hand, Spock grabbed it and plastered it gently on his cheek, like Bones had intended to.

McCoy’s old, so old heart skipped a beat.

_ Why are you still so damn wonderful and perfect, blasted… idiot? How can you after a hundred years still surprise me? _ The enamored doctor internally cursed.  _ But bizarrely, it doesn’t surprise me that much either _ .

“Are we getting soft with age, Mister Spock?” He teased.

“If by soft, you mean having feelings, and caring about you doctor, I didn’t wait for old age in order to be so.”

Shit. Now, Bones’ eyesight was getting blurred. Hell, how in the world could he not feel moved deep to the core at that? At so much open, bare honesty, so much affection? Coming from none other than “not human”, “uncaring”, “emotionless” Spock! He had always known Spock was as full of emotions and sentiments as any other person, but still! His lower lip quivered. He loved him. He madly, desperately loved him. Even after so much time, he still passionately, ardently loved Spock. How could he not? That romantic Vulcan was keeping his strengthless hand against his warm cheek. Who could resist that? Bones softly bit his lip. He wouldn’t survive another pounding of his sprinting heart.

“I’ve… always suspected it. You freaking… wonderous man.” He tried to caress his friend’s skin despite the weariness of his fingers. He really didn’t want to hurt Spock by dying here and now. The Ambassador already had lost his more precious than any gemstone in the galaxy, his adored T’hy’la Jim Kirk. But both knew very well the good doctor wasn’t eternal and already had exceeded human standards as for longevity. 


	2. Chapter 2

“I’m sorry for… this, Spock. At least, it’ll hurt you less than what happened to Jim.” Bones assumed.

“Less? _Less_ , doctor?” Spock emphasized, sounding utmostly offended. “May I ask what you mean by that?” 

“Spock, it’s a secret for no one at all you were, probably still are, meteors over stars for Jim. He was, _is_ , your T’hy’la, soulmate, your only one, your _husband_ dare I say. I’m sure you like me but… you can’t just possibly love anyone more than you love Jim. It’s as crystal clear as Rigel 31’s waterfalls. It’s… impossible.” McCoy remembered how Spock and Jim just looked absolutely, hopelessly perfect together. Made for each other. How himself used to sigh in adoration in front of them. And a bit out of frustration too. He would have loved to be sure they all loved each other equally but… Jim and Spock’s love for each other was the most concrete-strong, most sky-piercing, most indestructible of all. Bones had always felt like the third wheel. Like he was bothering, upsetting their little haven. Like they would’ve been better left alone. Without Bones. Despite the fact Bones loved the both of these dorks indefinitely.

“Doctor…” Spock started, looking like he was searching for his best words. “ _Leonard_ ,... if Jim and I did anything to make you convinced you were less loved… please accept our sincerest apologies.” He glanced at McCoy’s hand on his cheek, hesitated, then decided to kiss the palm of it.

Bones couldn’t hold his tears any longer.

“Is it because I’m dying or have you become a thousand times sweeter than I remember?” He grinned.

“My opinion… would be that your memory is defective, Leonard.”

“Because I’m old and decaying?” Bones scoffed.

“Because I’ve always cherished you as much as Jim, doctor.” Spock bluntly answered. “I thought I… I had made clear that to you. Were all the missions, all the hardships we lived together not enough proof?” The apparently calm but obviously burning up inside Vulcan genuinely asked.

The doctor’s lips quivered in emotion again. As his worn off heart started to pump and beat as lively as he was a hormones-full teenager again.

“Spock, please…” He whispered.

“I thought intimacy in bed was the ultimate evidence of affection for humans. Was that not enough proof either?” Spock asked, with sincere concern in his voice and not a hint of irritation.

Tears rolled on their own over the doctor’s wrinkled face. He broadly smiled.

“It was, Spock. It was. It’s just… these damn self-esteem issues. The damn feeling that… makes me think the guys I love the most would be better… without me.” He admitted.

“Why did you ever believe that feeling, Leonard?” Spock slightly scolded.

“Oh, you know… cause I must be the most emotional human in the universe.” Bones tried to joke.

“I tried to warn you. Emotions can be such an unhealthy burden sometimes, isn’t it doctor?” 

“Don’t tell me. It was such an ordeal to love two thick morons like you and Jim.” 

“I won’t say it was easy for me, or painless but… I don’t regret one moment of it.” Spock asserted. “Loving you, and Jim… brought color and unparalleled joy… unfathomable bliss in my life.” He took away McCoy’s hand from his face and lovingly kissed the back of it. 

“Now I’m about to kick the bucket, you bring in your poetry.” Bones chuckled through his tears.

“Would you prefer my mathematical, _logical_ way of speaking?”

“Please no, you might as well terminate me.” McCoy rolled up his eyes.

_His beautiful sapphire faded blue eyes._

“Experiencing affection for you and the captain accelerated the pumping of my blood through my body and released consequent amounts of dopamin and serotonin in my brain.” 

The doctor couldn’t help laughing. Even when his Vulcan spoke like a computer, he still thought it was adorable.

“Are you dead yet, doctor?” Spock arched a fakely surprised eyebrow and smiled.

“You can’t wait for it, can you?” Bones giggled. “To be the cause of my death.”

“My lifelong goal indeed, doctor. But as you see, I’m not being poetic to please you, but because it pleases _me_.”

“So many secrets to unravel… and so little time…” Bones regretted.

“Which secrets, Leonard? You’re the only one to know absolutely everything one has to know about me.”

“Yes… I know you know I know… thanks to your katra, you shameless son of a bitch. Does that mean Jim knew you… less well?” Bones couldn’t help but being curious about it.

“Jim knew… _almost_ everything about me. There are certain things one can know only through the katra sharing.” Spock softly squeezed the doctor’s hand.

“So _I_ was the lucky one then.” Bones deducted. “This… sharing was an utter pain in the ass but… I’m happy, hell I’m _grateful_ for it.” He gazed into the worried, gleaming eyes of his friend and smiled. He realized only now Spock’s face had grown closer of his. “It’s a bit… appalling we needed at least _that_ to know each other better.”

“I agree.” Spock concurred. “For once.” He added. “I’m glad… you liked it… Leonard.” He whispered, before he softly pressed his forehead the doctor’s.

Bones sighed. He was happy. He was so happy.

Spock loosened his grip on his hand. Soon, he felt the gentle and smooth caress of Spock’s middle and forefinger on his own. First, on the front, then on the back on his frail fingers. That deep, profound feeling of perfect mutual comprehension, trust and equality between their minds was worth all of the physical sex in the world. Maybe more. Then, the Vulcan fingers found Bones’ weary but welcoming face. The doctor sighed in pure bliss.

“Your arms feel so good, you know.” He notified Spock. “Who could’ve known the most relaxing thing ever was to be held by a Vulcan?”

“If that so, doctor, you could have asked me sooner.”

“Well, I _am_ asking you now.” Bones retorted. “Just… hold me until I fall asleep, alright?” He slightly raised his eyebrows, waiting for his friend’s approval. He got an afflicted, pained look as an answer. 

Spock’s lips were pursed. He clearly was holding from sobbing his heart out.

“Aw, don’t make that face, Spock.” Bones whispered, putting his hand back on his friend’s cheek. “We had a good, long,... warm, decent moment… didn’t we?” He arched his eyebrows again.

Spock gently took the hand off and quite suddenly hugged the doctor tight against him. His affection, his warmth felt so nice against McCoy’s colder and colder body. Bones closed in his eyes and smiled. Maybe for the last time. Dying snuggled and hugged by Spock… it was the best death he could have ever dreamt of.


	3. Chapter 3

He opened his eyes.

He was standing on his legs. Strong, fit legs.

But seconds ago, he was lying down, unable to stand ever again.

He felt… refreshed. He touched his face. Younger. How?

The only thing that didn’t seem to have changed what that Spock was still here with him.

He lifted his eyes and looked around him. His quarters had disappeared. They were in a blank kind of outer space. Save for a dim, warm, romantic light with vibrant fuschia pink and blushing ripe orange shades. As if there was a sun setting someplace McCoy didn’t find. He looked at Spock then he immediately understood. This was the work of the Vulcan mind-meld. Upgraded mind-meld. Like a realistic hallucination. Like a lucid dream. Except it wasn’t really a dream. Not entirely.

“I thought… you would like leaving this world… on a romantic note.” Spock stammered, with a touch of green blush on his cheeks, proposing his hand to McCoy.

Bones didn’t have to think twice and forgetting his age, illness, frailty or any kind of fatigue, he sprang on his newly strong legs and jumped at the neck of his favorite Vulcan.

“What have I ever done!... to deserve such a wonderful creature like you?” He burst into tears on Spock’s shoulder.

“What you deserve or not is irrelevant, Leonard. Although I think you deserve everything that’s good in the universe. We simply met, and learnt to like, to love each other. That’s it.”

“Always must have the last word, don’t you Spock?” Bones chuckled, then released at last his friend.

“Unfortunately, I will.” Spock somberly implied, his face turning sad and shattered.

“You wish you wouldn’t this time, huh?” Bones joylessly smirked and hugged him. “Come on.” He whispered in the pointed ear. “Let’s make this time the best ever, sweetheart.”

“As you wish, _ashayam_.” Spock agreed, intertwining his fingers around the doctor’s.

Bones softly gasped and glowed at it. He knew that gesture was a thousand times more significant and intimate for Vulcans. As a response, he placed his left hand behind Spock’s back. The Vulcan put his right hand on the doctor’s shoulder. 

“Lead the way, top guy.“ Bones purred.

“I... fail to decipher that, Leonard. Do you think I’m the most competent in my field of expertise or do you see me as a dominat-?” The Ambassador was cut off by a lively kiss on his startled but not displeased lips.

“Both, Spock. Both.” The doctor honestly answered. “You’re the best First Officer of Starfleet, remember?” He playfully smiled.

Spock replied with a firm grip on Bones’ right hand and waist, not breaking his stare into the sky-blue eyes. Just as the smitten doctor couldn’t take his own off of his favorite Science Officer’s. Then, almost naturally, they took one step, then two, three… and soon started to slowly waltzing. It should feel weird, especially since there was no music to accompany them. But no, it felt like the most natural, most wonderful thing to them. And they weren’t actually moving. It was all in their minds. Perfectly synchronized and harmonized minds. Bones let his head rest on Spock’s shoulder; which the latter didn’t mind at all. Then he closed his eyes, just enjoying Spock’s soothing warmth, his slow, gentle and tender movements against the doctor’s grateful and blissful body, not his _real_ body but McCoy didn’t give a damn. At the brink of death, real or unreal eventually blurred in together and ended up the same. His love for Spock was real. And Spock’s love for him was real. That was all that mattered.

The soft Ambassador hugged him tighter. To the doctor’s boundless joy. He loved, he adored his sentimental, his passionate Vulcan. He knew all along Spock wasn’t just a sassy computer without feelings despite the efforts of the latter to convince his audience of the opposite. Well, Bones sometimes used to explode at Spock for his unnerving composed and calm behavior in front of terrible, desperate situations. In front of people’s deaths or near-deaths. Not all the time. Just sometimes. But he always, _always_ was eager to apologize right after. Because he always remembered Spock _did_ have feelings and _did_ care though the stubborn officer was, as for him, eager not to show any of it. But when he did show it… Bones’ and Jim’s hearts sang and soared with love and sunk into a pitless ocean of ecstasy and beatitude. When Spock openly showed concern and care, softness, when he saved lives at the expense of his own, when Spock smiled… Bones smiled, grinned at that.

There was a summer night’s party inside of the doctor’s heart everytime that blasted adorable dummy smiled. That was why McCoy loved to tease Spock about his so-called “inexistent” feelings. Because that wasn’t healthy to repress and ignore one’s own emotions the way Spock used to do, and because Spock held the most beautiful, most dazzling feelings inside. Spock used to think emotions were wrong, dangerous and led to violence and recklessness, and so should be “controlled” but… it never did any good for him. Or for his friends. Of course sometimes, _sometimes_ his emotions had to be controlled. Otherwise God forbid what Spock might have had done. Sometimes, Spock’s emotions had scared Bones to death and the doctor was grateful for his friend’s Vulcan raising. But there wasn’t just the anger or hatred emotion. Far from it. The rare times Spock cried could be counted on half a hand but... each time he did it fully, without restraint, uncontrollably. Each time it smashed Bones’ heart into pieces. Each time, it harshly and sharply reminded Bones that Spock _did_ have emotions. Each time, Bones was strangely relieved Spock really was a normal person underneath the layers of inhumane composure and competitive sass.  
He remembered that old, so old mission with Ambassador Kollos. When the uncorporeal Ambassador invested Spock’s body, he said there was a deep loneliness within. Of course Bones should have expected it but it still had broken his heart at the time. And of _course_ Spock _never_ would have admitted out loud he felt lonely, never would have let Bones or even let Jim comfort him. 

_Stupid stubborn Vulcan._

Even when McCoy told him about Jim’s death, that thick pighead hadn’t wanted anybody to be at his side. That had to be Bones’ most painful memory. He still remembered it as vividly as it had happened minutes ago.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small angsty flashback.

As usual, Bones had stuttered, mumbled, beat around the bush but had finally dropped the heavy and fragile vase too full of the dreadful news. He had felt tremendously, painfully guilty for telling Spock Jim was dead because he knew, he was the best placed person in the universe to know Spock loved Jim more than anyone, anything else in the world. But because he loved Jim more than anything, Spock was the first person with the right to know about his beloved’s death. Somehow, Bones had thought it was his most sacred duty to tell him. Of course he too was upset and devastated about his best friend’s, his first boyfriend then first husband’s death but… Bones believed Spock would feel a endless way more hurt and distraught than him. 

Spock didn’t react to the terrible news immediately. For once, Bones didn’t mind it. For he also knew for a long time Spock _did_ have feelings. He knew that composed, featureless face was a mere appearance. Bones felt like he had to respond for Spock. He faintly shook his head, feeling with dread the tears dwelling in the corner of his blue eyes.

“Spock, I… I’m sorry… really sorry…” He croaked.

The Vulcan captain simply closed his eyes and politely nodded as a response. Bones quickly burst into burning tears and covered his eyes with his hand. It was almost like he felt sadder about Spock’s feelings than Jim’s death. Sad about the disappearance of the one and sad about the upcoming suffering of the other. And him in the middle, trying to cope with both. He remembered when Jim had confessed to him. The doctor had felt genuinely surprised at first, cause it was obvious, even to blind people, Jim was head over heels for his Science Officer, but Bones had quickly switch from surprised to wonderfully happy. For who can take Jim Kirk’s sunny smile as a lie? 

“I… share your feelings, doctor.” Spock finally replied, with a slightly trembling voice.

Bones stared at him with an aghast look. What the fuck? The man he was crazy about, he _adored_ more than the universe itself was dead, and that was _ALL_ that it did to him?? But again, Bones had stopped to mind the emotionless façade of his friend and other husband, after so many years of being used to it. He grunted out of impatience nonetheless.

“Of course you do, you impossibly unnerv-!” He grumbled before rushing on Spock, squeezing him tight and sobbing on his shoulder.

 _Don’t you think he’s hurt enough? You have to add up your misplaced anger to his agony? Agony_ you _have switched on in the first place? You’re a good doctor but the worst husband ever, Leonard McCoy!_

“I’m sorry, Spock. I’m so terribly, awfully sorry!” He wailed on Spock’s shoulder. “I shouldn't-! Not in a time like this, I shouldn’t!” He screeched out.

“It’s… quite alright. Leonard.” 

Spock called him by his first name only when things _weren’t_ alright. And indeed, they weren’t alright at all!

“It’s not! It’s _NOT_ !” Bones vividly protested. “Not for me! Not for _you_!” He screamed.

“Yes… you’re quite right.” Spock murmured.

“I’m sorry, Spock! I’m so sorry!” Bones exclaimed again. “I-I thought… you should learn it… that way. Not from strangers or… from the media.”

“Your thought… was correct, Leonard.” Spock implicitly thanked the doctor, sounding almost out of breath. Like he was trying to breathe just normally. Like he was trying really, really hard not to cry.

“You don’t have to… bottle it in for me, Spock. You _know_ that.” Bones assured him, implying their lifelong mutual affection and the Vulcan katra-sharing.

Spock gently pushed away Bones’ arms from him. 

“I don’t have to do it for _you_ , Leonard…” He stared into the gleaming, flooded, dumbfounded oceanic eyes. “I have to do it… for me.” He asserted while tears were threatening to break through his Vulcan-willed eyelids.

“Spock…” The doctor stared at him with a mixture of disbelief and care in his blue eyes.

“Don’t, Leonard.” Spock almost begged. “Don’t try to change my mind. If… if my control were broken…” His lips slightly quivered. “I might… hurt you.” He cupped Bones’ cheek, but didn’t realize it immediately.

Despite the fathomless pain inside, a wet faced Bones softly pressed his cheek against the warm, strong hand and half-smiled in pleasure. Then Spock’s last words echoed in his head: “I might hurt you.” That exact moment, Spock took his hand back. What did that mean? Why would he-? Oh. Right. His Vulcan husband now hated, abhorred, despised him whole. Bones just had told him about the death of his most cherished one. Of course he’d hate him for that. Of course he’d want to punch him for that. That just was… logical.

“Of course, Spock. Of course.” Bones tried keep up a shade of a smile on his face despite the double pain mercilessly slashing, chopping his heart into pieces. He hadn’t just lost one of his husbands. He had lost both of them.

“I’m glad you… understand, doctor.” Spock thanked him.

Hearing Spock calling him ‘doctor’ now was the most painful thing in the galaxy to Bones. He bit his lower lip. He didn’t have the right to sob or whine. He felt rejected, hated and miserable but surely those were nothing compared to Spock’s present suffering.

“Now if you please, doctor… I must… return to my quarters. And… think.” Spock vaguely explained before turning his broad back on shattered but silent Bones.

Spock remembered that moment too. At that time, he hadn’t wanted under no excuse crumble, break down and cry in front of anyone, especially not in front of the doctor. He knew doing so would have hurt and saddened Bones even more. And Spock hadn’t wanted that. For the same reason, he had sought and managed to avoid meeting with the doctor for many years -10, 20 years?- for he thought seeing each other again would have reminisced their shared memories of Jim and so depressed and destroyed them. Only after 20 or so years, Spock had realized that Bones had been thinking all that time he was hated by the Vulcan Ambassador since the announcement of Jim’s death. Spock had felt a pitless, enormous feeling of heavy, katra-punching, crushing guilt. He had quickly dropped off his diplomatic work to search for his beloved doctor while hoping from the bottom of his heart Bones was still alive somewhere. Fortunately, he still was, and the moment they finally meet again after more than 20 years must have been the most emotional moment of Spock’s life with that time he’d thought Jim had died from his own hands.   
After hours of shallow formalities and pointless work-discussing, Spock at last could throw down his cold mask after decades of pretending and both had fell into each other’s embrace. The doctor still was as sensitive and emotional as in the Ambassador’s sweet memories. Well, if Bones had been thinking for 20 years Spock hated him, it wasn’t much of a surprise to have him sobbing, wailing, shrieking and soaking his Ambassador’s black cloak. The last time Spock had heard someone sob and cry their heart out, in such an genuine, exhausting, fully emotional way was himself when McCoy had told him about Jim’s death.

* * *

Bones felt some roughness in Spock’s initially smooth movements. Oh right. The mind-meld. Spock could read his thoughts. Damn. Bones had to make him live again the worst moment of his life. Of _their_ life.

“Ugh. Sorry, Spock. I didn’t want to-”

“I know you didn’t mean to, Leonard.” The Ambassador made a noise Bones interpreted as a low chuckle. “You never mean it. Though you can bark threats like a rabid hound, you could not harm even a fly.” 

“Well, that was my last secret for you to unravel, Spock.”

“Secrets are supposedly hidden; and impossible to discover, _ashayam_.”

“Hard to dissimulate any secret when you constantly have a Vulcan bug harassing your mind.” Bones sourly implied.

“No need of katra-sharing to know you are the kindest and most compassionate person I’ve ever met, Leonard.”

The doctor’s heart skipped a beat.

“And you are…” He let go of Spock’s hand to fully embrace his body. “...the most incredible, most insufferably _wonderful_ being I’ve ever… had the deep displeasure to meet.” He wept on Spock’s shoulder.

“Typical of humans. Crying when complimented. Mostly illogical.” Spock hugged back the doctor without breaking the dance.

Bones couldn’t laughing through his tears.

“What ‘bout you, Spock? Dancing in your consciously created hallucination with a dying doctor? What’s logical about that?” 

“As you’ve always relished to tease me with, Leonard, I _am_ half-human.” Spock replied.

“Took you decades to finally accept the fact, didn’t it Spock?” Bones guessed.

“As it took you and Jim only a couple of days to appreciate it, doctor.” Spock admitted. 

“We were the worst, weren’t we?” Bones grinned. “Two nagging fanboys always poking your face with our human nonsense.”

“You were… the most human.” Spock half-agreed.

“Jim said the same about you.” Bones closed his eyes.

“I know that.”

“Course you know that, you cursed mind hijacker.” Bones grumbled with only fondness in his voice.

“The experience was as unpleasant for me as it was for you.” Spock retorted.

“Liar.” Bones groaned.

“Vulcan don’t lie.” Spock protested.

“Oh no. They distort, twist, rephrase, mistalk, elude…”

“Or adapt to the language of their peers.” Spock slyly implied.

“Are you saying I _loved_ sharing my most private, secret garden with you? You arrogant bastard…” Bones fakely took offense.

“It’s been 76 years you can’t hide anything from me, Leonard.” Spock reminded him.

“Oh you’ve actually been counting the years? Arrogant and obsessive.”

“Maybe now would be a good time to… quit this petty game, doctor.” Spock suggested.

“ _You_ want to stop the sniping competition? Here I thought you strived to become the champion of it.” Bones teased him.

“I eventually _will_ become it.” Spock regretfully agreed.

Bones lifted his head from his friend’s shoulder to look into his afflicted eyes.

“I can’t live forever, Spock. I’m not immortal. Or Vulcan.” He kindly told Spock with the most compassionate tone he could figure out. Like when he used to talk with patients. Except when these patients were called Spock or Jim. “You know, deep inside your superior brain, you _know_ you can live without me or Jim.” He asserted. “Yes, you’ll feel sad and hurt and lonely, and believe me, I’m sincerely and _profoundly_ sorry about it, but you will live.” His eyesight began to blur. “You’ll live long. And you’ll prosper. You’ll be the most outstanding, most looked up to, most legendary Vulcan of all times. If you ain’t _already_ all of these!” He smiled. “There will be other, new people, young people to be cared for, to be instructed. By you! The universe will still need you!”

“What if _I_ still need you?” Spock claimed behind threatening tears.

The doctor’s wide blue eyes watered. He pursed his lips. He tried not to burst again. But it was so restrictedly hard! He firmly shook his head.

“You _don’t_ , Spock. You _don’t_ need me. _I_ need you, here and now. That’s why you came here in the first place, right?”


	5. Chapter 5

Spock stopped the dance. He broke the stare into the dreamy sapphire blue eyes and looked at some distant point. Looked devastated. Bones couldn’t help thinking that face reminded him of that time very long ago he and Spock were locked in jail, on some modern-day Roman Empire planet. That was the first time he had poorly tried to confess to his emotion-denying friend.

“Spock, I… I know we’ve uh… had our disagreements.” He had poorly stammered in the sappiest, most clichéd way ever to the First Officer. “Uh… maybe they’re jokes, I dunno, like Jim says, we’re not often sure ourselves sometimes but uh…” He had mixed up his words and shyly chuckled like the mushiest stereotype of the young maid in love. He even had kept avoiding Spock’s stare and looked away cause back then he had felt so embarrassed and so, well, _coy_ . “What I’m trying to say is-” _I love you, stupidly wonderful, perfect Spock! And you looked so f*ing hot, you always look hot when you save my life!_

Of course, Spock had to ruin it all with his logical, cold façade and Bones had exploded at him, growled how he was done and how Spock just was scared of his own feelings and wouldn’t know what to do with a “genuine, warm, decent feeling”. Times like this when Spock actually looked vulnerable and naked in some manner of speaking remained scarce. And somehow, a privilege. So much time, and so much growth, had gone by since. Over both of them.

Bones smiled. A sad smile.

“Spock… I don’t want to leave either. But I _have_ to. Even if my lifespan was stretched out, I’d still have to. I-I guess you’d rather die before me but then…” He faintly shook his head, unable to hold any longer his tears. “ _I’d_ be the sad one.” He joylessly chuckled. “Time makes no winner, does it?” He wryly smirked. “I was given less time than you from the very beginning, Spock. No one can fight that. We have to… _deal_ with that.” Tears turned rougher. “And still… I’m…” He bit his lower lip. “I don’t wanna… don’t wanna make you sad.” He mumbled in a creaking voice. 

“Nor I you, _ashal-veh_.” Spock firmly hugged him back.

“Oh look at me, such a pathetic jerk.” Bones moaned, trying to wipe away his tears with the back of his hand. “You’ll be the one dealing with mourning and pain and _I_ ’ve the nerve to complain.”

“It’s… quite alright, doctor.” Spock pronounced with a trembling voice. Just like back when he’d learnt about Jim’s death. Bones realized it too.

“Yeah, for _me_.”

“As you’ve explained, I’ll… I’ll be ok, Leonard. I won’t deny I’ll feel… a tremendous, important loss… and a great deal of pain… when you’re gone…” Spock squeezed the doctor tight against him. “But the last thing I wish for, aside from your departure, is that _you_ leave… with remorse or pain.” He loosened his grip and finally looked back into McCoy’s shimmering oceanic eyes.

“And your wish is my command, _ashayam_.” Bones gave him the most beautiful, most katra-piercing smile Spock had ever seen. “I mean how could I possibly leave in pain when you’re here with me, silly?” The doctor’s magnificent eyes twinkled.

The Ambassador stopped to think. The very flow of his thoughts was literally cut off. Bones could feel it too. Then Spock kissed him. Just a sincere, loving, lively, human kiss. Maybe that was another biased opinion of his, but Bones was sure it was the best way to kiss. Coming from Spock, at least. 

“For… for a logical person, you’re quite… passionate… with your emotions.” Bones panted, still surprised at the fact Spock has, in the end, always been the most emotional being he’d ever known.

“You humans… are never satisfied, are you?” The Ambassador faked an offended tone. “Beforehand, you kept growling and snarling at me for not meeting your personal, biased standards of humanoid lifeform and now,... you complain I’m too passionate to your taste.”

“If by complaining you mean being the happiest and most joyful retired medic ever, then yes, I’m the worst whining prick in the galaxy.” Bones happily replied before kissing his lifelong husband lovingly and tenderly.

Despite the overwhelming happiness in Bones’ heart and beaming smile on his face, that one faded away. Spock still looked so grim and desolate. The doctor sighed and gently took up his chin.

“Don’t think you’re nothing without me, or Jim, Spock. Because that’s not true.” Bones kissed his cheek. “That’s not true.” He whispered.

“I’ve said… nothing of that sort…” Spock eluded.

“The mind-meld’s always worked both ways, darling.” Bones reminded him.

Spock sighed in defeat.

“I will leave content. And happy. You know it. You _feel_ it.” Bones insisted. “The only one thing I ask for is that _you_ do the same. Be happy of what we lived together, Spock.”

“Therefore, Leonard, I must ask _you_ not to feel guilty about hurting me with your death. For it is illogical.”

“Well, you’ve always loved the most illogical people, Spock. You can only blame yourself here.” Bones playfully smirked. “You’ll be alright.” He hugged his friend back. “It’s alright. It’s alright…” He murmured in a fainter and fainter voice. He slightly frowned. “I also regret I didn’t get to say goodbye to Jim.” He read the Ambassador’s mind once more. He really was getting good at that. “But tonight you have the chance to bid goodbye to me. Take it, Spock.” He smiled.

“I wouldn’t qualified that situation… a _chance_ , Leonard.”

“Well, what would you have rather, you stubborn whiner? Learn about my death from the mouth of strangers and self-flog for the rest of your life for not having been there with me?” Bones grumbled. “Now, who’s the _never satisfied_ human?”

“I start to find you quite insulting and offensive, doctor.” Spock warned.

“You’ve always liked me that way, baby.” Bones proudly beamed and kissed him before leaning again on his shoulder. “I’m glad we didn’t wait for one of us’ death to confess to each other.” He shyly admitted.

“We kind of did, Leonard.” Spock implied.

“Ugh. Yeah.” Bones bitterly remembered. “I even wonder if you didn’t purposely pretend to die just to have my heart wide open for you.” He dryly joked.

“You’re way too predictable for me to need such a twisted trick, Leonard.” Spock retorted which made the doctor softly laugh.

“Course I am.” Bones smiled. “Everyone but yourself is easy to read for you.” He sniped once more.

“Hence my need to have at least two life partners, Leonard.” Spock smiled. “Two emotional, illogical, patient, gentle, kind-hearted... wonderful partners.”


	6. Chapter 6

Soon the sweet illusion faded and both returned to the heartbreaking reality. The old Ambassador was going to feel miserable and lonely again.

“You’ve… still a good bedside manner, Spock.” Bones feebly but kindly notified.

Spock’s old heart lively pounded with passion. He stared at the dying doctor. Bones was beaming and glowing like a bright young sun. Spock knew though dying he was happy. Spock strived to convince himself Bones’ happiness was all that mattered here and now. Nevermind his shredded and shattered half-human heart, nevermind the forthcoming monstrous pain and mourning and dreadful loneliness. Contrary to what he used to think before, he couldn’t help or control these feelings. He would have to deal with them every time he’d have to face the death of a loved one, throughout all his life. And his life had been so,  _ so  _ long; and to last so long, way after so many deaths. Way after Jim’s death. Way after most of his former crewmates’ deaths. Way after his mother’s and father’s deaths. Way after Bones’ death. Spock pressed his forehead against the frail doctor’s.

“ _ Taluhk... nash-veh k'dular _ , Bones.” He couldn’t refrain any longer, with an affected, trembling voice.

Though Bones had never learnt the Vulcan language, he knew what this phrase meant. Another katra-sharing effect. He responded with the most beautiful eyes and most katra-melting smile Spock has ever seen. Except maybe on Jim’s face. Long ago.

_ I love you too, you perfect being. Love you too.  _

He knew Spock could read -and  _ was  _ reading- his mind. Both knew the doctor had grown too weak to talk. Bones dug into his remaining strength to snuggle against Spock’s nicely warm body, enjoying the caring hands behind his head and back. He closed his eyes. 

“Love you too…” He lovingly mumbled. 

For the last time.

_ Love you too, Spock. _

> _ “You mean I have to die to discuss your insights on death?”  _ the Voyage Home movie.


End file.
